If you ask some women about the health of their hair—or the lack thereof— they might blame the perm their mother put in their curls at a young age. Others might chalk it up to a lack of knowledge or a lack of time and resources. However, there are a select few naturalistas who dare to push the envelope by altering their texture, but then end up realizing why they were natural in the first place.
I was one of those naturalistas.
Growing up in a family of both kitchen and professional stylists meant that I was never short of resources to maintain my kinks and coils.
My mother had her own head full of thick type 4 coils that she deemed unmanageable on her own, so she fell victim to the creamy crack epidemic. I grew up watching her let my aunties fry, dye and lay her hair to the side via blunt bob cuts and curly up-do’s.
Alternatively, my mother sent me to my aunt’s house to get a new braided style promptly every two weeks. She instilled the importance of keeping up my appearance for my own confidence, my mother was the epitome of “when you look good, you feel good.”
Years later, the night before I started the 8th grade, I decided I wanted my aunt to give me a silk press and cut bangs on my hair, despite my coils not being heat-trained. However, as soon as I left my appointment, the humidity got the best of my silky straight hair and it reverted immediately.
In a panic, I went back to my aunt and allowed her to give me a relaxer.
Getting that relaxer was arguably one of my biggest mistakes but it was such a huge teaching moment for me. My aunt assured me that as long as I maintained the health of my hair through regular appointments and nightly routines, my hair growth journey would go off without a hitch.
Although it wasn’t in its natural state, learning how to care for my natural hair helped me develop a relationship with myself that I didn’t realize I needed. I was beginning to pour into myself before I knew what self-care was.
Unfortunately, all the self-care in the world could not stop the relaxer from damaging my finely textured hair. Nine months later, I had no choice but to do a big chop and took the biggest blow to my confidence I’d ever experienced at that age.
Gone were the days of my fascination with straight hair. I realized my concept of beauty had become warped due to my increased consumption of reality TV and other media that didn’t show women and teens that looked like me.
My journey to learning how to care for my hair became synonymous with understanding that Black beauty isn’t monolithic and why typical societal standards of beauty could never apply to me, so forcefully projecting those standards onto myself was pointless.
After watching a few natural hair type 4 influencers on Youtube—such as Chizi Duru or Kandidly Kinks— I decided to get excited about my new found journey instead of considering my big chop a loss. The idea that there were other women creating content about their own journeys of learning and loving their hair inspired me to attempt styling my afro myself.
I will never forget my first twist out.
After watching countless videos and getting acquainted with the basics of the style, my aunt suggested I twist my hair while it was wet using Soft Sheen Carson Dark and Lovely Au Naturale Anti Shrinkage Curl Defining Creme Glaze. After wash day, I did as I was instructed and let my hair dry overnight.
To my surprise, when I took out my twist the following morning, my hair looked an absolute mess. My kinks were not defined, my hair was sticking up in all directions, my roots were dry on top of the shrinkage I experienced. In the end, I washed the product out of my hair defeatedly, but I would soon understand that my hair wouldn’t always look like what I saw on social media.
Learning how to care for natural hair isn’t a two step process nor is it one-product-fits-all. Perfecting a wash day routine takes timing and practice, figuring out the perfect product mixture to use in your hair takes experience and the gratification you earn as a woman who can do her own hair isn’t instant but it is everlasting.
The realization that restarting my natural hair journey would take more trial and error than I originally thought frustrated me initially. It’s no secret that being natural—irregardless of texture—is a high maintenance addition to one’s routine. That level of time investment and style interest is not for every woman— and that’s okay.
However, time spent watching videos to learn about my hair, long summer days standing in the mirror and the confidence boost I felt after every successful style helped me realize that all this time and energy I’ve been investing in my hair, was really me investing in myself.
In the beginning of 2024, I booked my first natural hair stylist. This was after a decade-long natural hair journey—one that helped me acknowledge that my hair became a large part of my identity. The way my hair looked became indicative of how I felt.
When I looked good, I felt good. However, when I looked bad, I felt worse.
Shortly thereafter that appointment, I began experiencing hair loss due to stress near the front of my hairline. The feelings of embarrassment and low self-esteem overwhelmed me for months because I couldn’t control the hair growth, the same way I couldn’t control the hair loss.
For a brief period of time, I only wore head wraps because losing my hair changed the way that I viewed myself. I felt unattractive and there was nothing anyone could do to help ease me out of the funk I was in.
One day in the midst of my emotions, my mother told me she missed seeing me wearing my hair out. She encouraged me to get back into my hair care routine and to just “let it grow.”
That little push helped dive back into hair care and months later my hair is flourishing.
As I continue on my natural hair journey, I’ve learned that practicing gratitude and patience with your hair will help you learn to love your curls—they way you would any other part of yourself.
